half man, half inappropriate

Bad Words

I had to write this. I’ve been disturbed ever since my brother questioned my salvation just because I playfully call my sister a bitch all the time in addition to “ho” and “triflin’-ass bitch.”  It’s usually the first word I say as I enter the house if she’s the first person I see.  That’s sibling love.

I actually got in trouble in 6th grade for singing the “Uncle F*cka” song from the South Park movie.  Of course, when brought to the principal, I told him I got hit in the face with a handball and screamed, “damn!” and tried to get sympathy points by crying.  (It was a different time.  Limp Bizkit was cool, alright?  And so were Razor Scooters.)  I suppose that’s how I learned to tone it down a bit.

The first memorable “bad word” I ever learned was “ass” when I was watching a VHS of The Golden Child.  Eddie Murphy’s character walks by some guy at a magazine stand reading (maybe even viewing) a pornographic magazine.  Murphy then questions the guy’s reading material, “Chunky Asses?”  I’d be watching this movie with my brother, sister, and even my dad (hell, it was his tape) and we’d laugh every time.  “I’ma paddle your ass!”

I understood it was a “bad word” because I’d act out those scenes from The Golden Child and my sister would threaten to tell on me.  I think my mom even got mad at me for that once.  Yet, my dad would say, “sh!t.”  My mom would say, “sh!t.”  I was playing with my action figure from Superhuman Samurai Syber-Squad by transforming it into some kind of airplane once, and even my grandpa said, “ay, shiet!”  Despite the blatant hypocrisy, I understood that these were “bad words.”

I’ve been called out by a friend for cursing.  I’ve been called out by my cousins for cursing.  Interestingly, I’d get called out again for profanity as a college student for saying my first memorable curse word.  This one was one of my more memorable experiences with curse call-outs.  On my way to a bible study at UCI, I was having a conversation with this girl from my old church.  I can’t quite remember what I was talking about; all I know is I said something along the lines of, “I basically made an ass of myself,” to which she responded, “chivalry is dead.”  If you know me, you know I’m bad at arguing.  So, I got into a bad argument with her.  “It’s just a word,” I reasoned, “ass…that’s like saying donkey in another way.”  “Then, why don’t you say donkey?” she comebacked.  “Well, words are powerful…” I tried to conjur up some kind of profound point—anything really.  (I told you I was bad at arguing.)  I don’t quite remember how it ended, all I know is that I lost.  This one hurt because I really don’t believe I did anything wrong, but I’d brush off the thought—UNTIL NOW.  BITCHES.  THAT WAS TOTALLY NECESSARY.

There’s a bible verse that says something along the lines of what comes from your heart flows out of your mouth…or something. (I’m not that poetic.)  Thus, when you say bad words, it’s a reflection of your heart.  As deep as that is, there are only a few times I bust out foul language:

1. Playing Street Fighter

2. Playing Street Fighter

3. Unfortunate situations

4. Humor/impressions

5. Playing Street Fighter

Let me address situations 1, 2, and 5.  Sometimes Blanka can be cheap, alright?  But on the real, I get enraged when I feel I should have won a battle, but I did something silly or that guy pulled off some clever moves that I didn’t know how to counter—enraged to the point where my neighbors think somebody in the house is dying.  I suppose situations 1, 2, and 5 are just a subset of situation 3.  If you know me (I know me!), you’d know there really isn’t all that much hate in my heart except for those sudden spikes of defeat in Street Fighter, but that goes away shortly.  It was just a very unfortunate situation that couldn’t be described with a “fiddlesticks.”  I just don’t think I’d be satisfied saying that.  A “MOTHERF*CK THAT GUY!” would suffice.  Nobody gets hurt.  Why?  Because it’s a word and not a cruise missile.  It may be directed toward the guy/girl across the internet, but he/she can’t possibly get offended because he/she doesn’t know I’m saying it, and it’s just a game anyway.  I’m not crazy enough to hurt anybody because their skills were better; this is all more related to situation 4.  Did I mention nobody gets hurt?

Now, as an amateur comedian, I will drop some bad words from time to time as a part of situation 4, but only because the bit requires it.  I’m not one to drop curse words in my bits for no reason.  My beloved “Don’t Forget The Lyrics” bit?  I need to quote Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg’s “Bitches Ain’t Sh!t” in order to illustrate an idea which is absurd to this society’s standards of uncensored language on public television.  I can otherwise do without foul language in most of my bits.  When I’m off stage and just having a good time with homies, I usually curse for hyperbole.  Like I tried to argue before, words are powerful.  Sometimes, “goshdarnit” doesn’t cut it.  Extreme exaggeration is funny if done correctly.

My brother asked me, “Then why wouldn’t you say ‘mother effing’ in front of Pastor Alex?”  Motherf*cker, for the same reason why I don’t show up to weddings wearing shorts, a Run DMC t-shirt, and Timberlands.  It’s not the right place for it.  I mean, you CAN show up to a wedding wearing shorts, a Run DMC t-shirt, and Timberlands if you so desire, but that’d be silly.  Do you want to be silly?  I have no reason to say such things at a bible study or church—it’s not the right place for it.  Remember that even Jesus called some guy a “fool” for planning to build bigger barns to selfishly store all his surplus crops (Luke 12:13-21).  And by today’s standards, that’s the equivalent of calling the guy a “f*cking idiot.”  Why didn’t He just say, “oh, you so silly!”?  Haysoos needed to get his point across.  Haysoos don’t sugarcoat things.  Haysoos don’t play around.  Haysoos clearly wanted to warn this man that his morals were messed up and he needed to make some changes.

Of course, I’m not warranting the use of the f-word in every spoken sentence you speak.  That’s just silly.  In the grand scheme of things, these words are not powerful because, at the end of the day, they are just words.  And paradoxically, these words are powerful if used correctly—just like any word.  I personally believe these words should be used responsibly because if you did say it in every sentence, then well, they’re not really curse words anymore, are they?  That’s what makes these words so special.  That’s why I find it hard to respect these bitch-ass adolescents who don’t know how to use these words properly yet.  I was at that age and in that state of mind before.  These kids just throw big boy words around for a false sense of cool.  Every word has a time and place.  Know those times and know those places.  “Aw, sh!t” is not offensive. “You piece of sh!t” is if you actually mean it.