half man, half inappropriate

How I Spent My Spring Break

Dear Journal,

    Hi, it’s me, Doug.  Only kidding—you know and I know I have no friends named Skeeter.  I don’t think I’d want to have a friend named Skeeter for several reasons which go beyond the scope of this blog post.  Anyway, I’m otherwise reminded of my elementary school days when I had to write about my summer vacations or what not.  I’ll try to write in the spirit because I’m not going to grow up any time soon.

    My spring break started last Friday when my homies, Nicole and Alex, both texted me about an 80s hip hop themed party happening that night in UCLA.  This was excellent news for me because not only did I want to celebrate completing another quarter with partying, I have a slight fascination for the 80s, and we all know I love hip hop.  I put on my Run DMC shirt, fagged up my hair, and “pre-partied” at my friends’, Theo and Luis, place before I picked up Alex.  I had a beer and watched YouTube videos with these guys, and when that was done, I picked up Alex and we headed to Los Angeles.

    Alex and I arrived in LA a little too early, so we decided to get to the party fashionably late by chillin’ with his girlfriend, Jamie, in her apartment for a while.  Later, the party at UCLA was entertaining except for the fact the 00s music and the cross-faded dude who hit me.  Basically, earlier during the party, I was rapping for Alex and Jamie. Then, this caucasian male—slightly skinny build, around 6’ tall, light blue t-shirt—who was clearly out of his mind came over to us. Incomprehensibly, he tried to engage in conversation with us and tried rhyming as well, but he ignorantly slurred a stream of curse words together.  He left us, and I thought that was the last of him that we’d see.  Later in the night around the middle of the party, Alex, Jamie, and I decided to check out Malone’s (if that’s how to spell that bar’s name) for a while.  As we were walking down the stairway, along one of the floors, we saw that guy again, and he saw us.  He began to follow us, and while I took a few steps down the stairs with my back facing him, he swatted the back of my head. (Do not get the impression that it was a forceful punch or something. I personally think that it was too light of a clip for it to be intentional harm.)  I turned around and asked him why he did that, but it was clear that I was talking to a baby; my mother taught me to never hit babies.  He couldn’t talk properly, he couldn’t walk properly, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he soiled himself that night.

    I had a Long Island Iced Tea at Malone’s, and that was clearly all I needed in addition to the three or four prior beers I had and the cigarettes I smoked to get inebriated for the night.  We returned to the party for a while to say bye to Nicole while I drunkenly told everybody drinking was bad for them and explained to Jamie that I wished baggy jeans would come back because these skinny jeans compress nuts painfully, but it was all good because fashions recycle every twenty years.  We then made it back to Alex’s apartment where I threw up and went to sleep in a sleeping bag in the middle of his living room.

    I woke up the next morning, I woke up with the taste of vomit in my mouth.  Alex was in the kitchen beginning to make pancakes.  I went to have a smoke outside on his balcony and Alex followed me outside.  He spotted a cat in the window of an apartment across from us.  “Hey cat…” I said to the cat, “…mao.”  I returned inside where Jamie was finishing the job that Alex started, and we all had pancakes while conversing about why can’t the world’s wars just be solved with a game of chess or football.  Shortly after, Alex and I left LA to return to our hometown of Irvine.

    On Tuesday, I did my first “real” gig at the Irvine Improv.  To be absolutely real, I was kind of nervous.  I had to put on for my city.  As a matter of fact, ON on for my city.  I was the opening act for Darryl Blackshere’s City Stars.  After me was Joe Janison, Darryl, K-Von, and the headliner, Brad Williams.  After performing, I realized I really had no reason to be any kind of nervous.  All I had to do was just do what I usually do.  It is what it is.  Know what I’m sayin’?  It’s a stage; I just gotta does what I do.  Twas definitely an exciting experience.  Now that I’ve performed there before, I’m confident I’ll do even better than I return for the competition there on April 13th.

    And then I flew kites every night until Saturday…

    I was originally supposed to leave for the Gay Area with my brother on Friday at 7 pm, but he was too tired.  Then, we were supposed to leave at 4 am, but he didn’t wake up either.  We left at 6 am on Saturday morning where I drove for three hours and then he did.  I arrived in Berkeley around 12pmish and brought a six-pack of Heinekens over to my homie, Anna’s, [I’m too lazy to research the grammatical formatting of this. This can’t be correct. sic?] apartment.  Until about 5ish, we watched YouTube videos, I did my whole stand-up set for her for a Korean melon bar (at least I’m getting paid), and this bitch blew my mind wide open with conversations that fired up damn near every synapse in my brain in an effort to respond.  I just wanted to catch up with an old friend, but I discovered I’m actually politically liberal, why minorities have it rough in society, and the balance between biology and choice/will-power. 

    After realizing the meaning of life, I had dinner at Angeline’s Louisiana Kitchen with Anna.  I forgot how different Berkeley was from Irvine.  One table had a bunch of black people and another table had this guy and his big, lesbian-looking wife who looked like she beats him.  After we got a table, two lesbians immediately sat next to us.  I was definitely not in Irvine anymore.  Next time, I’ll make an effort not to declare “No homo” so loudly.  After that, I met up with Jennifer and her manfriend, Adam, at some pool-bar, Thalassa, which didn’t have its name on the venue and had two Black bouncers outside.  I was definitely not in Irvine anymore.  Even thought I was five cents short, the bartender still gave me my Blue Moon.  Later, Jennifer’s friends Kristen and Chin joined us.  We were hitting balls with sticks the whole time.  I even learned how to hit with the stick over my shoulder.  Shortly after, Jennifer, Adam, and I hit up this other bar-type venue and just chilled until my brother picked me up around 11:30pmish.  Good times indeed.

    My brother and I spent the night at my half-brother, Vanni’s, house in Concord. [Yeah, I just did that grammatically incorrect sh!t again.  Let me know if you’ve found a way to properly articulate such a thought in text.]  I got to see my my nephews, Zach and Ian.  Zach’s got glasses now and dances better than I do.  This means I have to increase my Filipino pride.  That Sunday morning we all went to church in San Jose where I also visited my cousin, Liz, and her family.  Her son, Pedro,—or Pedrito/Luisito because her husband’s name is Pedro, too—is able to talk now, so that’s always cool.  We were supposed to have Boiling Crab, but just like the ones down here, the place was full.  Thus, my brother and I went home.

So ends my spring break.

As of now, I am eagerly anticipating my Hip Hop Culture class.  Last quarter at UCI—I’m going all out.

Take care and God speed.

Oh yeah, I’m not fixing typos in this post.